What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
