She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
