i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
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