you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Randomize
