he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
