i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
