My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
