this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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