you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
