By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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