Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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