She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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