So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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