New low: just hacked my moms facebook
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
