I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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