u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
