I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
