Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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