I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
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