we have officially lost it.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Randomize
