i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
