i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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