Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
