Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
