One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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