I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
