I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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