He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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