here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
