I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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