a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
he was CRYING into my vagina
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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