like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
