life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
