i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
