This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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