i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Randomize
