Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
organizing the empties. That sober.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
