I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
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