yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
