You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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