Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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