Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
