The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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