Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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