you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
