Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
