Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Randomize
