I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
