if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
