last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
